Shelly Thinks: Leopards Don't Change Their Spots

It turns out all the hard work I put into trying to rebuild a relationship with my sister was for nothing. I don't know if she had some grandiose plan to bring me back to my mother or mend that relationship in some way but my rejection of my mother has destroyed my relationship with my sister. Once again, by telling the truth and being honest, I have lost someone who was important to me.

My family is complete shit. I should know that. I should just accept that. They've done nothing but let me down my whole life. When the hell will I fucking learn? I'm going to be 30 in a few weeks and I obviously don't have the lesson learned yet because I put myself out there once again, in a vain hope that I could resurrect some part of the relationship. Not out of loneliness or self-pity but because I simply love my sister. She's an amazing woman who has struggled to be a better person just as I have. But because we essentially have two different mothers, she has a different perspective than I do. No matter what, I will always love my sister. But it hurts too much to know that she can't understand what I'm saying.

She has no concept for what it means to grow up with, not one but two parents, who hate you. And I am not just saying that feeling sorry for myself. It took me years of therapy to understand the level of hatred that would cause a parent to systematically tear a child down mentally, emotionally, and physically as both my parents did, not to mention neglect and abandon her repeatedly. I ended up in foster care and a ward of the state for crying out loud. Doesn't that mean anything? Or did I make that shit up too? I wasn't the monstrous child they tried to make me out to seem - I was screwed up and problematic, have no doubt - but I was a good kid overall. I got good grades in school, I tried to do what they wanted and I constantly failed to meet their expectations. I was punished brutally for it and continue to suffer from it.

One of the things I cannot forget is how mom would constantly tell me that I almost killed her when she was giving birth to me. The way she said it was so angry and she was CONSTANTLY talking about it, like it was my fault. Like I owed her something as a result. I was only 14 for crying out loud! But every single mistake I ever made, she made sure I never forgot it. I didn't clean right. I was sleeping with Mexicans (which I absolutely wasn't - I was however, raped by one when he tricked me into meeting his mother). I was doing drugs (I have NEVER EVER touched them). I was out of control.

I was so many things. I was confused. Messed up. Scared. The world was tossing me from place to place and I was being abused repeatedly by people, not just strangers but people who were supposed to love and protect me. People I loved and trusted. And I doubt any of them will ever understand the affects of any of that. It's a gigantic scar that I live with every day. That causes me pain regularly in different ways. I've done everything I can to move past it as much as I can but it's still there. In the things I'm limited in doing. In the relationships I struggle with. In the sacrifices I have to make because I don't really have a family. I have a series of people who are, to one degree or another, involved in my life. The only family I have is my daughter, who I love unconditionally and always will, and who I can almost bet will eventually reject me as so many others have in my life. I can almost see it coming.

It's funny - I want to have a relationship with my parents. More than anything. But they hurt me far too deeply for me to ever be able to do that. It would just be anger and bitterness and disaster ultimately. I know that. I know that my mother will never accept the things I say. No more than my father would. I've tried to tell them. I've tried to get them to listen and they simply refuse. I have so many good things in me - but they refuse to see that. I suppose we're equal on that score except I simply see no good in what my mother is doing. She is wearing my sister out and that worries me because my sister doesn't seem to be capable of saying no. She deserves better than that. She doesn't understand that's not how it's supposed to be. I would never do that to my child, no matter how old she is. My child will always be my child and she should come to me, not the other way around. Mom will use her until there's nothing left and keep on using her. My sister is working my mom's shift so Mom can pay her bills "while she's sick", except that's been going on for months now. Is there anyone else that thinks this is insane? What about vacation time? Why doesn't she have any savings? Why does my sister constantly have to save her? I'll tell you why - for the same reason that I kept trying to save EBF from herself - because I was trained that way.

Ultimately I guess it at least served one purpose. I forgave my sister and myself as well as realized that my sister wasn't to blame for anything that happened in my childhood. I had held a lot of resentment against her for making me feel inferior and worthless when I shouldn't have. I was directing it to the wrong place. And if me refusing to connect with my mother is enough to destroy our relationship, which she promised it wouldn't, then I cannot stop that. I will always love my sister but I don't have to make myself emotionally available to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to make an effort to maintain an independent relationship. That makes me very sad but I can't control other people, only myself.

My sister puts a higher priority on family than I do, that much is obvious. She doesn't seem to understand that family isn't family because they're related to you by blood. I've experienced that. Family is family because you choose for them to be. Just because someone gives birth to you doesn't mean you owe them something. Anyone can give birth. It's what they do AFTER that, that's what matters. My parents will never get any gratitude from me simply for giving me life. Yeah - thanks for giving me life and then ABANDONING me. That's great - I really enjoy it. That's for abusing me and causing me anguish most of my life. Really appreciate that. Fabulous. This is just how I wanted my life to be.

No - I choose who's a part of my family based on who they are, what they mean to me, and how they act toward me. And if you're not willing to respect me and accept me for who I am - all of who I am - which is my number one criteria (and a deal-breaker as well) then you're not family. You're just someone I know who had sex with my father once and I was created as a result.

For my sister's sake, I hope her mother pulls through. I know it would hurt my sister terribly to lose her. As for me, I miss my sister. But I will not change my mind on this. I know it is for my own wellbeing that I do this.

Shelly Thinks: How Many Ways Can You Spend It?

So the paperwork for the settlement was signed and sent off on Monday. My attorney is going to do everything he can to make sure the check is here ASAP but especially before Christmas. Considering they wasted 3 months arguing over language in the settlement (which is a standardized document anyway!) I'm a little irritated that it's taken this long. Even so I've planned every possible method for spending it - from replacing the car entirely to keeping the current car and just paying it off and getting it fixed up and everything in between. I have never wished for a crystal ball so much in my life. I want to make the best possible choice I can if I must spend it all but I have so many options that I don't know what one is the smartest. I've even considered just putting most of it into my student loans. It would be that much less debt I have to worry about later.

It's funny - I think about the fact that I'm a financial professional and I'm responsible for helping people make these choices for themselves and here I am struggling. Obviously, it's easier to look at someone else's situation and be able to find a solution than it is to look at my own.

It's almost like winning the lottery, if you toss aside all the emotional aspects of what I've gone through in the last decade as a result of this injury and the fact that I'm still having problems. You spend small snippets of time in your life daydreaming about what you'd do if you got a big sum of money but then when the time comes, it's a lot tougher than in your daydreams because you know it's only ever going to happen once. I've probably spent that money 100 times in a 100 different ways just since I signed the paperwork. The thought that keeps running through my head is, "We did it. We really did it." I guess I never expected it would actually happen. So many times I wanted to give up but I stuck with it. If that's not a life lesson, I don't know what is.

I suppose what has me second guessing myself is my discussion with my friend Julie. We went out to the mall to hang out, do some window shopping for clothes for me, and have dinner. Libby came along and we just had a wonderful two hours together. I caught her up on the settlement and stuff and we kept coming round to the best way to spend it. It's a damn shame that the programs I'm in are requiring me to spend the money because it would be a nest egg that would see me through almost anything. But it is what it is and maybe spending it won't be so bad. Maybe it'll even be a lot of fun. But we looked at clothes and I realized just how thin my wardrobe is. I have so few clothes - nice clothes. I have some dressy tops and such but most women have so much more than I do.

I look at my closet and the dresser and everything I have fits on a few hangers and 3 drawers. There's a box of winter clothes in the closet I have yet to unpack (damn winter - I really hate it) but that's about it. And I look around me and while I have some stuff, when you consider it only took me 3 days of dedicated effort to unpack, that's almost a sad statement. It takes most people weeks to pack and unpack. And Libby is the same way. I don't know, maybe we just need more useful stuff like clothes and kitchenware. I have a list of wants and needs and it's pretty long but about 75% of it is bills - paying off a year's worth of everything with gas cards and my cell phone and insurances and internet. If I pay a year of everything then I don't have to worry as much about bills while I'm finishing school. It can help me delay taking student loans other than to keep my savings account where it should be. I hate struggling, I hate not being able to pay my bills, and it has to end. Maybe this is the best way to do that.

In any case, no matter what I do, it's going to be an improvement. This will help us to stop struggling so hard for once. Which is something Libby and I desperately need.

Shelly Thinks: Irrational Fear of Death

Nothing has ever made me so aware of my own fragile mortality as having my daughter. There's a whisper in the back of my head, "What if something happened to me?" Her father is a total loser, incapable of parenting. My parents, well, if they died it wouldn't be a complete tragedy or even a tragedy at all, as far as I'm concerned. It might actually be a relief. Her grandparents are the only viable candidates and even that cannot replace me, as her mother.

When she was born, I named her Liberty for so many reasons. The biggest was that I wanted her to have a name of meaning, something she could cling to in times of trouble and struggle, which I know she will have and which I cannot prevent. But most of all, I wanted her to be free of the horrible childhood I had. And yet, what kind of childhood is she having now? We spent almost six miserable months in a homeless shelter. We spent almost a year living in a house full of so much more than that. Stress. Anger. Verbal abuse.

It was my choice to walk out the door but really, I wasn't given any other choice. When it's made clear that you're no longer welcome and you've already sacrificed everything and anything you can - including dignity, self-respect, and independence, what more is there to give? I was drained - finished - used up and fed up. I chose to walk out the door but only to save my sanity because staying there one more moment would have driven me clear out of my mind.

So EBF can say all she wants that I overreacted, that she didn't ask me to leave but what she will NEVER understand is that's exactly what she did. And I know she will never see it for what it is because she isn't capable of it. Everyone else thinks for her. The truth is, she gave up on me - and I get that. I don't blame her for that. I have wanted to give up on myself so many times. Being a part of my life is exhausting. I don't WANT to be this way - dammit to hell - I've spent my whole life fighting a losing battle with the odds stacked so heavily against me I'm surprised I'll see 30. Who wants to witness that on a daily basis? It's exhausting to be in, it's just as exhausting to watch. But I don't have any other choice - this is the life I was given, the fight I have to fight. Some of it was created by me but only out of ignorance, not intentionally.

What scares me is that THOSE barriers which plague me, that I desperately with everything within my heart and soul want to eliminate for my daughter, may plague her anyway. I do not regret choosing to bring her into my life but oh, sometimes, I worry that I shouldn't have. That she may not struggle the same way as me but that she will struggle just as hard and that's so unfair to her. How will I ever give her the things she needs to be successful when I can't even get them for myself? What if all the things I'm doing prove to have been wasted effort - that *I'M* a waste and a lost cause?

So many people have given up on me over the years. It started with my parents. And it continues today. And I'm as powerless to stop it now as I was when I was a child.

I'm not a praying person. I don't really believe in God. Actually I don't believe at all. I can't help it. I just can't suspend enough of myself to believe that. There may be some kind of divine presence and for my daughter's sake, I hope there is. Because I pray daily that God keep her safe, that I not screw up her life too badly, that I don't become like my parents. That nothing happens to me. Because I'm all she's got. And she doesn't deserve to lose her mother. Regardless of how flawed I am - I still love her so completely it is a physical pain. And everyone deserves to know that kind of love. The kind of love that you can physically feel surround you - that calms your fears, eases your pains, and just makes it feel like everything is going to be okay. I never had that. My whole life I've never had that. My mother left when I was 10, not that she was ever really there to begin with, and she has never really looked back. My father abused me so badly that I cringe now to recognize the horrible things he did. I see them so much more clearly now. But I know what that love feels like now. I know because I give it to her. I didn't know it was possible to give something you've never received but I do. Every day I pour that into her every chance I get. I hold her close and my soul warms, my heart just fills until it overflows, and I just want to hold her forever.

Every child needs that. If I do NOTHING else with my life - nothing at all - please God let me give her that until she's old enough to face the world on her own. She may never understand anything else but let her please understand that no one will ever love her more than I do.

Shelly Thinks: Wow, Thanksgiving Already

I can't believe that not only is it Thanksgiving and I have so much to be grateful for but that the end of the year is literally a month away. How the heck did that happen? It just snuck up on me out of nowhere while I wasn't looking. And as with every approach of a new year, I'm filled with optimism and hope. It's a fresh slate. A chance to do all the things I didn't get done this year. Like publishing. And getting promoted in my business. Having some stability and financial control. And best of all, Libby will be 3 in February, only 3 months away. She's getting SO big.

So, sticking with tradition, here's a list of some of the things I'm most grateful for this year:

1) My daughter, who is smart, healthy, and still retains all her fingers and toes in spite of her best daredevil antics.

2) A roof over our heads and plenty of food in the kitchen. After spending so much time struggling, it's nice to have peace and quiet (for the most part), and to have our own agenda.

3) Good health: So far I've had two very minor sinus infections, one of which went away without any medication. I recovered from my surgery and while I'm struggling to lose weight, I have lost about 15 pounds which is a big deal considering everything. And mentally I've never been so healthy as I am right now. I'm still learning, as I knew I would be, but I'm so much better than I have been in the last 10 years. That's a wonderful feeling.

4) A bright future ahead: Libby and I have so many wonderful things ahead of us. In early December the family that adopted us for Christmas will be delivering presents and I'm nervous/excited about it because at this point I don't even know if I'll be able to get a Christmas tree. If not, I'll find other ways to keep the holiday spirit alive. The most important thing is we're together and things are getting better every day. Once this semester ends I will have less than 2 years remaining on my degree plus 2 terms to take my courses toward my minor, if I can still manage to do that. The settlement will be here within the next thirty days and everything is going to be okay.

5. Wonderful friends and family to share it all with. Even a few new family and friends with the addition of Shannon's extended family and new friends from school. I didn't know I could be so popular.

I don't have any grand resolutions this year except to stay stable in all the areas in my life. Buckle down and focus on school. Now's the time where I make the most of the time. Now's when the real work begins. No excuses. Buckle down and do it. Libby returns to daycare on Tuesday but I have a scholarship application to work on after tomorrow. I'll spend a substantial amount of time tomorrow cooking. We're having a mostly traditional thanksgiving meal; turkey, a gigantic amount of mashed potatoes, corn, salad, cranberry sauce, and apple pie. We'll have leftovers for a week which suits me just fine. Toward the end of the week I'll use the extra potatoes to make shepherd's pie which I will freeze most of in preparation for finals week. I'm going to be seriously cramming in the next few weeks.

Shelly Thinks: Are People Really That Dumb?

My upstairs neighbor finally confronted me over why I don't speak to them and I shared with her that her boyfriend essentially told me he wanted to have sex with me. He told her he just tried to give me a notebook back that was on my porch which was only half of the story. He conveniently left out the rest. And what she did just makes me laugh in astonishment.

She apologized. For him.

I told her it wasn't her responsibility to apologize for his actions. I mentioned that while he had been drunk at the time, that didn't excuse it. She said that as his fiance she could speak for him that way. As though it were something to be proud of. Just the most natural thing in the world. At that point, I simply couldn't speak but watched her walk away.

Now, if I had agreed to sleep with the guy, what would the situation have been like? She would have been pissed at ME - I would have been the whore and the person to beat up and retaliate against. But since *I* refused and nothing happened, that makes it all okay? Am I the only one that sees a major problem with him asking in the first place? Is that not just horribly disgusting? And they're supposed to get married? Pardon me for saying, but I'd rather be single the rest of my life than marry a person like that.

I would guess that she simply isn't capable of making that kind of logic come together. It probably doesn't even occur to her. To think of the what if's. To wonder if there would be another woman, one more willing. To wonder if he'd done it before. Of course, all of that would require believing me, which she doesn't. Although I can't imagine why not. I have nothing to gain - whether I lie or tell the truth.

Who knows, maybe it's money motivated. It's hard for a single girl to make it on her own - I get that. Hell I live that. But I decided I would rather do anything than live that kind of life any longer. And I feel sorry for her if she can't make that kind of choice.

And I know I've been there myself. I just never expected to see so clearly from the outside, looking in. It's an astonishing revelation and makes me grateful to my therapy all over again. I may not see everything so clearly but at least I see that much.

Of course, later that night I ran into him downstairs dealing with laundry. I typically avoid him like the plague but there was no help for it. I had to move my clothes. He talked about how he knew what I'd told the coordinator and now his girlfriend, as if it were something *I* needed to be ashamed of. No apology. No remorse. Just an expectation that I would be sorry I did it.

I told him to stay the hell away from me, to not even speak to me, and if he came anywhere near my back door I would call the cops first and ask questions later. Anything that needed to be discussed should happen between Debbie and I, not him. And then I very calmly walked away and up the stairs with my laundry. As if we'd just been talking about the weather. But my insides were like jelly. I couldn't have shut my mouth up even if I wanted to but it was so scary being alone in the basement with him. I don't know if that part will ever get easier but I hope so. Maybe in a few more years I'll be better at disagreeing with people and establishing boundaries.

Shelly Thinks: Waiting is the Hardest Part

Waiting for this settlement check is the hardest part. I'm skating on an edge financially and emotionally that's so thin I can almost feel it cutting my heels. I've made lists of the ways to spent that money more times than I can count. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about it. I'm excited for the security it will bring. Excited for the fun I'll have spending it. Nine years of waiting and pain and it;lll be over finally. If I'd known it would take almost half a year to finalize everything I wouldn't have been so excited in the first place.

I spent today doing as little as possible. I made more Pico de Gallo which is the best creation on earth. I can't seem to stop eating the stuff. I just wish it weren't such a pain in the ass to make. One batch with 7 roma tomatoes takes me about an hour to make - chopping and stirring. I'm definitely going to be looking for kitchen stuff to help make that easier.

Not only did I sleep in today but I took a nap around 4. I played poker online and played with Libby and just generally relaxed. It felt wonderful. I'm looking forward to several more days of this. I just wish I had the check already because then I could be spending the money while I have free time.

Shelly Thinks: Getting It All Out of My Head

I'm going to sit here and write about whatever comes into my head for as long as it takes for me to feel better. And it's going to be whiny drivel that is not at all realistic to how I feel about my life but if I don't get it out, the poison that's within my head is going to continue to slowly kill the good inside.

Everything that has been so hard and horrible of the last six months has come to me emotionally. I was so busy dealing with the crisis that while I dealt with the immediate emotions I didn't deal with all of them. The devastating sense of betrayal. The regret. The absolute anger and hatred. The inability to forgive - to budge even an inch toward the person who hurt me so terribly by uttering the words I did not want to hear. No matter what the words actually were, I heard so much more than what was actually said. You have to leave. You've overstayed your welcome. We don't want you here. We're letting you down and we don't care. We know you have nowhere else to go and that doesn't matter. We don't believe in you any more. But most importantly what I heard was, "I'm incapable of thinking for myself so I'm going to do whatever everyone else tells me to."

I want so much to be sympathetic to her. But even now I'm just angry as hell at her. She was part of the sacred trinity. A trust that should never have been broken. She was my sister. She was my best friend. And yet here I am, almost six months later and haven't spoke to her. But not a day goes by when I don't think of her. With anger. Pain. Sadness. Longing. Pity. But most days its more anger than anything.

There are only two other people that I've been angrier at and that's my parents. I relied on her. Trusted and loved her completely and she betrayed me in every possible way. Her thoughts. Her feelings. Her heart. Her actions. And just like my parents she feels no true regret.

Ultimately though, just as with my parents, I don't miss her - the person. I miss the relationship. I miss having parents. And now I miss having a sister. I know that I am alone in this world - abandoned by most of those that were supposed to never do that. Most days I accept that. But for some reason, today, it's harder to take than other days. And today was a great day - there's absolutely no reason for it to be worse today. Except that I have so many wonderful things going on and she was always the person I shared those things with. She helped me to remember that I was a valid person. For all the wonderful things she did, the one horrible thing she did obliterated them all. She should have fought harder. She should have talked to me. She should have been a friend. She should have TOLD me dammit! But I didn't matter enough to talk to me. But she mattered to me. I included her in everything. It hurt so much each day that she wouldn't include me in anything. She promised to communicate with me and then wouldn't.

The irony is I have more friends now that I did when we were friends. By about ten times over. And some of them are really close friends. They're healthy relationships. They support me and truly care.

Oh hell, I don't know what I'm saying. I don't want the relationship with her back. But I do want that feeling of closeness that was once there. Or maybe it was all just in my head.

I'm also frustrated by my creative writing - or lack thereof and I have no idea what to do about it. I want to get my stories published but with so many interests, I'm not sure how to accomplish it all. I want to get published but I also want to go to conferences. And participate in campus activities. And do my tutoring. And be with my daughter. And I can't focus right now for some reason.

It's because I'm so overwhelmed by all the changes that have happened and keep happening. I get it. But I have no idea how to get past it.

I will say that in spite of all of that negativity, I'm also very happy in general. I'm delighted with how well school is going, considering the circumstances. I'm glad I have so much time off with no need to worry about getting things done. For the first time since June I will have a little more than a week of time where I have no deadlines or major issues to resolve. I have zero plans to do anything except sleep and play on my computer. Anything that gets done other than that is just a bonus. Of course, if I get bored that may change.

I think maybe I feel a little better. I wish I could have moved past all this shit by now. It's over and done with and I'm better off. But yet the pain hangs on. I guess that's the price you pay when you truly care about someone. Even three years later it still hurts when I think of Libby's dad and I have to continually remind myself we should not be together and there's reasons we aren't. So the pain may fade but it does remain.